The PlayStation 4 hasn’t launched yet, but the PS4 Camera
and Dualshockoctocotcoc 4 wireless controller shipped early. So, let’s fuckin’
unbox them in this expertly cultivated parents’ guide for man I’m totally
feeling it!
We’ll start with Kinect, Jr. It comes in this nice shiny,
blue box. It looks generic as fuck. I don’t remember how much it cost. I don’t
even think any of the launch games support it. I’ll handle it lightly; maybe I
can return it.
It says some shit on the back, like that it has two
wide-angle lenses, four microphones, and face-recognition technology. Kinda
creepy. It also interacts with the light bar on the Dualshockoctocotcoc 4
controller (we’ll touch on that in a bit) so you can go ahead and throw your
stupid, obsolete PlayStation MOVE! In the garbage. Yell “MOVE!” as you can that
bitch, for karma.
OK, undo the little tape thingies, slide that shit outta the
generic blue hell it came in, and, well, I guess there’s more to it than that.
Fuck all that unnecessary bullshit outta the way and we’ve
got the camera, some T-shaped thing in a bubble-wrap bag, and a piece of paper
nobody will read.
Look at that dongle, would ya? Can’t wait to plug that
fucker in one day.
The T-shaped thing appears to be some sort of stand.
With hinges. I bet it bends!
Well, I’ll be damned.
One end of the long part has this little dental dam on it.
I’m just going to leave that there.
Other end has this little male part. I’m blushing.
…but not as much as I’m going to be. Here’s the PS4 Camera
LadyBits.
Let’s smoosh them together.
You guys remember that movie Short Circuit? This thing
stares into your soul like its alive (like Johnny 5), but it hates you and want
you to die (like the weaponized total dickhead robots Johnny 5 is related to).
Yep. I’ll be sending this shit back soonsies.
Here’s the piece of paper this curse upon humanity came
with.
So, apparently you just adopted a baby. Congratulations.
Do not touch the product with wet hands. Don't let any other metal items come
into contact with any of the connectors. Don't place any objects on top of the
product (really?). DON’T stand on the product (worse than a baby). DON’T throw or
drop the product, or otherwise expose it to strong physical impact. DON’T speak
ill about the product in its presence. DON’T ever remove the product from
inside your body—it lives there now.
In summary, the PS4 Spybox is fucking awesome, despite its
total uselessness. Again, the PS4 isn’t available yet. Maybe I can plug it into
this piglet.
It didn’t work. Let’s move on.
The Dualshockoctocotcoc 4. This is the key to the future,
the control module to the most exciting new product on the planet.
Yay, I opened it up! This is fucking stupid what am I doing.
This is fucking pointless.
Whoa. A way shittier photo of the Dualshockoctocotococ 4 than
ever before cool moves wh
It’s got a light bar. How about we see how it works?
I pissed my pants a lot in 2nd Grade. A couple
times, I was wearing the most 80s shit a kid could wear. Maybe it was a sign. I
bet it was a sign.
Have you ever bent over super hard in someone else’s
workspace?
It all makes sense now. I could only make water when someone
else was in the room then, I can only make wet when someone is right there even
now.
The touchpad on the Dualshockoctocotcoc 4 clicks like a
button. Look! It clicks like a button!
You ever have a dream that you’re compulsively eating feces,
like little mouthballs of human feeks, and you’re chewin’ and chewin’, rolling
it around in your mouth, and then you wake up, and you’ve been sleeping on your
back with your mouth open and your tongue is drier than a sandmummy’s
cotton-stuffed dickhole.
Anywho, you’re probably screaming “WHERE’S MY EXT? WHERE’S
MY HORSESHOE HOLE?” Don’t fret. The PS4’s Dualshockoctocotcoc 4 has you
covered.
Let’s fire it up!
But Dad, the PS4 isn’t
out yet.
I have this cat. Press X for Sniff.
If we’re lucky, only 40 percent of us will starve to death in the next two decades.
